I Watched All the (Brosnan) James Bond Bond Movies So You Didn’t Have To

Die ‘sigh’ Die Another Day

Why. That’s my initial reaction to this fever dream of a movie. Why.

Before Die Another Day, each movie was made and released in two year increments, starting in 1995 and “ending” in 1999. However in 2002 another Brosnan Bond graced theaters. And what did they do with the extra year in production? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Here we go; In his fourth and final movie, Bond surfs into action. Literally. He starts the movie my surfing up to North Korea. He infiltrates a North Korean military base along the DMZ (de-militarized zone) in the attempt to kill an aggressive Korean general. And while his mission is “accomplished, he is captured and tortured for 14 months. After being traded for the general’s second in command, he returns to MI6 only to be told he’s a relic and unfit for action.

But Bond goes rogue, and while trying to find the #2 (that’s what we’ll call him) finds that #2 was trying to change his appearance in Havana using gene therapy. He also finds Jinx, a CIA agent played by Hallie Berry. They follow a diamond trail to Gustave Graves, a British entrepreneur who actually is the North Korean general. How is he British now you might ask? “Gene therapy, duh. Now shut up dumb dumb while we force feed you lunacy”, said the writers.

Turns out Gustav evil general want to harness the power of the sun using a satellite to blow up the mines in the DMZ so North Korea can invade South Korea. But Bond, along with Jinx, put an end to Gustav’s idiotic and ridiculous plan.

Holy cannoli this was bad. I don’t even know where to begin.

First off, writing has reached a new level of stupidity. Mr. Kill is yet another character made only to make a pun, there’s an ice palace that bond stays in so it can melt and we can have an “awesome” action scene, and Bond sleeps with a fellow agent less than 24 hours after meeting her, only for her to turn out and be a villain. The worst Bond retorts can be found here, as well as the worst writing.

The plot is so outlandish and nonsensical I debated watching the movie over, until realizing I’d sooner do nearly anything else than subject myself to this again. I can follow the plot just fine. But comprehension and reflection on it hurt both my head and my heart. It is, as I said, a fever dream.

It feels like an early 90’s action-spy movie that was released in the same year Bourne Identity was. A movie that completely changed the action thriller genre was released the same year CGI Brosnan windsurfed away from a sun beam. Let that sink in.

I do admit however there are a few ideas I like here. Bond going rogue is very interesting and somewhat uncharted water for this franchise. I also enjoy the focus on the conflict between North and South Korea, as opposed to terrorists or the Russians being the baddies. But no matter how intriguing these aspects could have been they are completely and utterly wasted. Any semblance of a good idea is overshadowed by moronic film making, and Brosnan’s jowls.

I don’t feel like elaborating any further as it would only serve to tire me and raise my ire. It a horrible movie with horrible dialogue, a horrible plot, horrible performances, and horrible effects. Horrible.

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